Hello and thank you for staying connected with me, I hope you are all safe and well.

Letting go. That phrase means so much more now, much more than ever before. Control , now, is a whole new thing as well; just one more thing to relearn and define.

I can’t control the pain. Its horrible and completely unpredictable. Its fast. It has no warning. Its debilitating. It is totally screwing up my plans. Totally fucking with my quality of life, of living well with this disease.

My plan was to slowly succumb to Alzheimer’s. Follow the ” medical path of known trajectory”….. that is not happening, at least in my mind.

I have always known Early Onset moves quicker, but I feel I’ve gotten the short end of the stick, honestly.

In the last 8 months of which I have spent around 5 months on nerve pain meds, this locomotive hasn’t ceased. Three levels of pain, each measured separately in relief, each digging deeper. How do I let go? How do I just release the control and let this happen?

My Alzheimer’s doctor, my Internist, has increased my meds, it’s a brutal amount. I will spend the next days getting used to it. My next few days will be a write-off.

The CBD is absolutely helping, but its expensive and not covered, so I am rationing. I’m getting more today, moving up to 1200 mg bottle. Also, bloodwork, checking on things.

My doctor believes it is progression, it’s the first time any of my 3 doctors have said that, it’s a large and jagged pill, my diagnosis was only 16 months ago, it seems too fast.

To let go is to come into the present, to believe what is and release the past, being willing to allow life to carry you to a new place……holding on means trying to push life into the place of your own making…. that is control and I must let that part go or ride a different wave, a smaller one.

Throughout my journey, I have rolled with the punches, I’ve been happy to make the adjustments and learn new ways to remain happy and living well. The onset of this pain has been like a sucker-punch south paw wallop, the kind that knocks you off your feet. But I have to get back up, it’s only round 2? Maybe 3 or 4, who knows.

My first step, increase my meds. In the big picture, why am I concerned with that? In the small picture, I have to let go of that concern, let that concern wane. Control, it’s never easy to give up control especially when it concerns your own body.

I cannot, easily, formulate the plan, the map in my head, yet, but I’ll get there, I’ll just do it and it will become life. I just hope it helps. The whole point is to live well, I’ll just get on with that. I’ll update you at a later time.

The sunrise this morning is lovely; sitting on the front porch writing this. I hope your day begins happy and ends fulfilled.

Stay well my friends xo Jan xo