Nostalgia has me locked up today, nostalgia and the future.

For a long while, I couldn’t remember raising my daughter. It broke my heart, completely. The stress of not recalling places, things, where pictures were taken, what happened on those days, why we were in places, ……it was aweful.

Telling my daughter these things, it felt like my world was crashing in on me.  I was so scared to tell her.  How do you tell someone so important to you, your heart, your life, that you can only recall “the now”, not ” the before”.

My diagnosis ( thankfully) opened my memories.  I can recall almost everything…..almost.  I see the pictures, they feel familiar now.  I know we were real during those times. 

When I was finally told what was happening to me, some things unlocked. I can only surmise that the underlying stress of all the “things” was damaging my recall more.  It was shutting me down, warning me, ” Jan, you better get this shit under control or I’m gonna systematically shut you down, make someone listen, scream… shout ….. Do whatever but make sure you are heard.”

I went back one more time to the Dr. She finally listened.

I find it odd that I just blurt out things now from when my daughter was young. I just didn’t for so long.  My daughter said to me one day, ” Mum, you just said that, a memory, of us!”. It was magic.

I’ve had age appropriate memories ever since.  I say age appropriate just to say, I’m within the norm ( sort of) of parents remembering and that feels good.  I still find it unbelievable the things my daughter tells me we or I did, like, ” no way!” But I feel that it happened, I feel it in my heart; the memory is there.

As I have said before, my life is ongoing within the past few days or weeks.  I do not conciously think beyond that; but the memories are there once we all chat about things.

But what is next?

I don’t research alot. I don’t stress over my diagnosis.  I live.

The real life things are all still happening.  I adjust.  Unknowingly sometimes, but I adjust.  The brain is quite magnificent, even now. 

But I do have worries.

In conversations with my fellow diagnosed pals and other blog posts of the same, change is happening.  Those changes are coming to me.  I just don’t know when.

It’s the only looming fear I have.  It comes in waves, when I read others blogs or chat with my pals, the fear jumps my bones right in the moment.

I can let the fear go, rather quickly sometimes; I know things are gonna happen, things are gonna change…….but when.  When will the changes be so substantially apparent that I’ll just say , uh Oh?…..it’s happening.  Horrible waiting game.

I’m assuming, like the path my life has always been on, I’ll take each new thing in stride.  I’ll adapt as I need to. Knowingly or unknowingly. Life.  My daughter will keep an eye on me. I love her.

Health dosen’t only come from medicine. Health is way more than that. Peace in the heart, piece of mind and most certainly, laughter.

I think being ok with my diagnosis is a big factor of my wellness.  Not worring about every single change; life changes for everyone everyday, we all adapt. 

Not hyperfocusing on things I can no longer do the same, hey, I can still do them, just different.  Although, maybe for someone looking from the outside in it is all jumbled, ha!  I don’t care. I still did it.  It may have taken me days, or hours as opposed to minutes, no worries. I did it at my pace. Accomplished!  Relearning ( re-vamping my world to adapt to my new thought process is more like it) is kind of exciting.  Air High-Fives, even with yourself, make you feel amazing! Woot Woot! 

A mistake that makes you humble is way better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.

Life throws curves, EVERY. SINGLE. LIFE. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  My curves are different than others, but they are still curves.  We all navigate. 

What’s next?  Who knows. I’ll navigate it then.

Segue…….

Life is too short to wake up in the
morning with regrets. So, love the
people who treat you right, forgive
the ones who don’t and believe that
everything happens for a reason.
If you get the chance, take it.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said it would be easy, they
just promised it would be worth it.   Dr. Seuss

What a great quote.

If you ever find yourself having to tiptoe around people, you are NOT walking with your clan.  Find your clan, your tribe.

This is my heritage. 

Advocacy, self advocacy and positive vibes are important. 

It’s important to keep going.  Ask for help.

Things are going get tough. You are tougher.

Make sure your plans are clear for your loved ones to be able to fulfill for you.  Get your paperwork in order.

The more we talk, the more knowledge the world gains.  It’s all the little things, the small changes that really matter. Tell someone. They need to know. Stop struggling.

Be your own voice while you can. One day, you may not longer have that voice. Say it now.

Take it in stride. Don’t let it all burden you. Don’t let it zap your day away. Learn to smile and forgive yourself . You are beautiful and important. Remember that.

Much love to all. Xo. Dance.

And now…..Miss Nina Simone! 

Stay well my friends xo Jan